Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
