i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
