It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
