someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
