I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
please come you make the beer taste better
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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