I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
