you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
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