Is it because I queefed?
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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