so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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