i think i have two assholes
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
