at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
3 2 1 whiskey
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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