The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
