Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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