Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
