Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize
