when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
