I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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