I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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