It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
