I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
