There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
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