a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
