It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
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do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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