final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
