When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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