someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
