I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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