How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
