After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
