I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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