I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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