she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
