I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
