Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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