i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
