I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
