i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
be right there i have to get my cape
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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