hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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