New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
