i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
