dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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