pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
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