we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I can't turn off my feet"
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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