i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
