I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
