life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Reggie can tackle my bush.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
