i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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