Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
He passed out mid-signature
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
