I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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