oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
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