i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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