it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Welp...herpes.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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