I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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