There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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