omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
