I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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