Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
